Boxing has become popular, in films and TV shows. I’ve become a new fan since my neighbor stars in a brilliant series Tuesday nights on FX called “Lights Out.” Holt McCallanhy plays an Irish boxer with a heart; whose wife, doing her residency in her medical school training, tries to convince him to retire.
Normally the sport is thought of as matches between overly aggressive animals trying to tear each other apart. Some are. After all, what civilized person bites off an ear? You hear stories about boxers beating up their women. But at tonight’s Friars Club tribute to boxing, famous promoters said they are only interested in working with guys who are not just killing machines.
As a psychologist, I note with interest that a tamed down version of the sport is even a “homework” exercise given to certain couples in counseling who are already at each other’s throats. They are given rules about “fair fighting.” These include “no hitting below the belt” which literally means no harm to sexual parts (e.g. “you’re bad in bed”) but in general parlance means you talk about the behavrio that upset you and not the person (“I don’t like when you said … “ not “you’re nasty”).
Other rules of fair fighting: The below are “Foul” (the first appraoch) versus “Fair: (the second approach)
• Generalizing (“you always / never….”) versus Sticking to the present (“this time you…”)
• Blackmailing (“if you don’t…”) versus Making agreements (“what can we resolve?”)
• Stereotyping (“all men/women…”) versus Pointing out specific behavior (“when you interrupt me, I get upset”)
• Using negatives (“don’t...”, “you never…”) versus Being positive (“next time, will you…”)
• Personal attacks (“bore”, “slob”) versus Concentrating on the specific act
• Testing (“if you loved me…”) versus Describing feelings (I feel unloved when…”)
• Judging (“you’re wrong”) versus Seeing each others point of view (“I can understand”)
• Put-downs (“you’re worthless”) versus Respect
• Sulking or withdrawing versus Facing the issue
• Blaming parents (“you’re just like your parents”) versus Sticking to individual behaviors
• Blaming (“you made me…”) versus Making “I” statements (“I was upset when you…”)
• Being vague versus Giving details
• Interrupting versus hearing the other person out
• Close-minded versus Open-minded
• Speaking for the other person versus Letting echa person have his/her say
• Trivializing ideas versus Taking points seriously
• Dismissing points versus Considering everything
• Making threats versus Requesting change
• Using profanity versus Choosing gracious wording
• Getting verbally or physically abusive versus Staying respectful and in control
Pretend boxing for couples can be fun, to gently get out aggression. A boxing ring was featured as one of the “fantasy” themes in a Japanese love hotel that I filmed for a story for Fox TV’s show “A Current Affair” (years ago).
Another technique is to have regular gripe session to air your grievances, so they don’t “gunnysack” (build up) and explode – after which you feel sorry.
Reportedly Barbra Streisand, 68, and hubby James Brolin, 70, use this technique to keep their 13-year relationship strong. In regular sessions he calls “tune-ups,” they have frank and difficult conversations about unsaid things and problems – like her tendency to control and his penchant for being left alone. Supposedly recommending a referee (mediator, shrink, “guy from your church”), Jim is right when he says that by the end of such sessions you’ll be surprised how close you can feel.
Apparently tattooed tough guy boxing champ Mike Tyson has tamed his own demons by a longtime hobby of racing homing-pigeons. Promoting his new reality series “Takingo n Tyson” on Animal Planet, the 44 year old ex-boxer revealed how he battled drinking and drug problems even ODing every day, thanks to his new (third) wife who nelieve sin him and makes him happy.
I can’t resist telling my favorite joke about boxing, which I learned at the Friars Club, where I am a member. Their boxing days over, an aging Rocky Graciano was walking with equally aging Jake LaMotta, talking about how they can make more money since they were now “greeters” at hotels in Atlantic City.
Rocky says to Jake, “Hey, you know how people are paying big money to go to the moon, we’ll set up a new business and take people to the sun.”
Jake looks at Rocky like his brains have been fried (of course they have a bit), and says, “Rocky, it’s hot. If they go to the sun, they’ll burn.”
Un-phased, Rocky counters, “Oh, then, we’ll go at night.”
Lights Out.